Invisible Predators, Part 3 - Warning Signs
As I mentioned in previous posts, a sociopath with a well-developed cover can be very difficult to spot before a target is hopelessly entangled, either emotionally or financially. Anyone following the recent news story about Sandra Boss and her husband “Clark Rockefeller” might have been mystified as to how a successful, intelligent woman could be so completely bamboozled by this con artist. In fact, a number of readers who posted comments on stories about this sordid tale heaped derision and disbelief on Ms. Boss, certain that they would have spotted this snake. But they should not be too sure. “Rockefeller,” who turned out to be Christian Carl Gerhartsreiter with a long, long list of aliases, had been successfully conning numbers of smart, well-educated people since at least the early 1980s. That’s almost thirty years of successful cons, and possibly a murder or two along the way.
Still, there are signs, or “red flags,” that most people will often disregard in the early stages of the relationship with a sociopath. The stories I’ve read of the hell that targets go through convinced me that it’s worth paying attention to them. According to the literature, these are some of the most common:
The person seems too good to be true. As with anything else, this is a red flag, along with investment schemes that claim too high a return, supposedly winning lots of money in a contest (that just might involve a sales pitch for a time share, hmm?), and high-paying jobs for little work (at home!). This might sound contradictory, but if this person is showering you with attention, compliments, admiration, gifts, etc., at the early stages of the relationship, you should not throw caution to the wind. You might be lucky enough to have found your soul mate (a term that sociopaths love to use, evidently), but you should be cautious. A truly reputable person will respect your caution and reward you with patience and respect. A sociopath will not. Often they propose marriage precipitously. As romantic as this might seem, especially since our mainstream media likes to present this as romantic, this is almost never a good idea—even if the person is not a sociopath.
Excessive charm, charisma, or glibness. Taken by itself, of course, this is not proof that someone is a sociopath. But according to experts, it is one of the most common characteristics, and it should send up your antennae. A charming, fascinating person who seems surprisingly unattached is a more obvious red flag (though the sociopath will have a very convincing story about why this is so), but it includes people who have a fanatic fan club or cult following. People with healthy emotional make-ups don’t usually need fan clubs or cult followings. If you’re someone who enjoys being a fan and the object of your devotion suddenly fastens their attention on you, resist being completely and uncritically dazzled, lest you find your dream-come-true turning into a nightmare.
Social climbing. Status and dominance are two things that highly motivate sociopaths, so they often like to acquire more than they started out with. A friend of mine who had family members swindled by an investment planner later remembered that this person struck them as a social climber but they didn’t want to be snobs. This is the kind of reaction that sociopaths depend on, playing on people’s guilt.
A sob story. If this new person in your life is telling you horror stories about their upbringing, bad fortune, or the way other people have treated them, by all means, be compassionate, but maintain some emotional distance. Be especially wary if this person is trying to make you feel “special” by trashing former lovers, mates, friends, or business contacts to you. Most people are flattered by receiving this information, feeling privileged to receive it and thinking that they will never fall into this category (very unlikely over time). The pity or sympathy that these tales engender will often make someone excuse callous, manipulative, or narcissistic behavior later when their radar should be going into high gear.
A history of broken relationships where the person doesn’t stay on good terms with former lovers, partners, or friends. Many individuals know or are aware of the previous target, but the sociopath has done such a good job of gaslighting this person that the new target regards them with suspicion. Plus, most targets are just so thrilled to have this charming, attractive person so taken with them that they assume that the former target must be a loser or witch or have “issues.” If someone you know is trashing someone you’ve never personally had any problems with (often with an air of concern, regret, or feigned sadness), it only makes sense to get the other side of the story. If you don’t, you could end up aiding and abetting a sociopath’s gaslighting campaign, or worse, you yourself might be at risk of becoming a target. Keep in mind that the sociopath’s cover may not be blown, for you, for a number of years, at which point, the level of betrayal and humiliation you can experience will be all the more devastating. Even if the person is not a sociopath, someone who demonizes former friends might be suffering from a borderline personality disorder, in which case, chances are high that you’ll fail them at some point and find yourself in the role of a villain. Be very wary of anyone who engages in a smear campaign.
Vagueness about their past—education, degrees, job experience, romantic history, business history, etc. If the individual you’ve become involved with is proposing anything that will affect you in a long term way, you have every right to check out their background, history, and record. If the person accuses you of not trusting them, this is another red flag. Potential targets who have been burned before are often rewarded by finding out quite a few shady details about Mr. or Ms. Wonderful when they do a background check. Sociopaths will often fake degrees or job experience, family background (hello, Mr. Rockefeller), or financial status.
A predatory gaze. Many targets of sociopaths, as well as therapists who have tried to treat them, remark that sociopaths tend to hold eye contact much longer than is usual and that their gaze can be unusually intense. Many targets, again, find it flattering, thinking that they must be fascinating or powerfully attractive to this charming person, which, of course, is what they want you to think. But in actuality, this gaze is probably closer to that of a cougar assessing its prey.
Thinking the rules don’t apply to them. You should be able to observe this in action, or the sociopath will brag about it, often very charmingly, entertainingly, or heroically.
Lying. This comes second nature to a sociopath and they are able to do it with ease. People think they can spot a liar but research has shown that not only do people overrate their ability in this area considerably, supposed telltale signs don’t apply to sociopaths. They are not wired the same way as nonsociopaths. Recovery specialists offer this rule when beginning new relationships: If you discover one lie, it may not be a big deal. Two lies, you should be on alert. Three, and you know you’re dealing with someone who lies as a matter of course. Some sociopaths lie for the fun of deceiving people, some lie to manipulate and get what they want, while all of them will lie to cover their tracks.
Startling lapses of empathy. Most people will react with sympathy and compassion when something painful or traumatic happens to a friend, lover, or partner. Not so with a sociopath. When the seduction stage is over, they will expect you to suck it up, compare your suffering unfavorably to theirs or someone else’s (e.g., you’re not stoic enough), or treat you with indifference, coldness or contempt. It is odd that a lot of people will find ways to explain this away, but I think it’s because most of us have an impossible time understanding what it means to be totally lacking in empathy. Most of us don’t want to believe that such people even exist. In this case, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to wait for three examples of such behavior. The first one should throw cold water on whatever romanticized, idealized picture this person has constructed for you.
Impulsivity. Sociopaths feel completely entitled to whatever they want, even if it is to someone else’s detriment. Moreover, they don’t feel guilt or shame, so if what they want ends up hurting someone else or is ethically wrong, they don’t care. Consequently, they have very little impulse control. They take what they want when they want it, with no concern for the consequences.
Sex addiction. One of the most common addictions for sociopaths.
Grandiosity. Sometimes, because sociopaths can be very bright, talented, and winning, their grandiosity is backed up by real achievements. But all sociopaths are grandiose no matter what their accomplishments.
Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde behavior. As discussed earlier, a sociopath usually starts out as the most charming person in the world. But at some point, the mask is dropped. Instead of loving every little thing you do, they start finding fault. Instead of finding everything about you fascinating, you come to realize that they could care less; they minimize both your accomplishments and your heartbreaks. In place of the sweet, loving, and playful person you fell in love with, a cruel, detached, critical, or ridiculing stranger takes their place. The honeymoon period never lasts in any relationship, of course, but this contrast is baffling and extreme. A healthy relationship is characterized, overall, by continued tenderness and respect, despite whatever differences arise. If you think you are dealing with a Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde, you should start planning your exit strategy immediately. It’s not going to get better; Dr. Jeckyll will only make cameo appearances designed to encourage you to put up with more abuse from Mr. Hyde.
Isolating you from friends and family. They may flatter you into thinking it’s because they’re so taken with you and they need only you to be happy, but they’re setting you up for the D&D, the “devalue and discard,” when you’re totally alienated from everyone who might have helped you or stuck up for you.
Extremely controlling behavior. This can apply to anything from the way you dress to the way you act to the friends you hang with. This also represents some of the most dangerous behavior, as these sociopaths tend to think of their “narcissistic supply” as their property and attempts to leave these relationships on the target’s initiative have sometimes ended in murder. The murder, attempted murders, and assaults committed by a retired pharmacist in Redding last December, a man with no previous record, no doubt fall into this category. If you’re in a such a relationship, be very careful in your exit strategy; consult with those who know how to get abused partners safely out of such circumstances and do not announce your intentions to your partner.
Many targets report that when they first meet the sociopath, they experience a gut-level, warning feeling about them that they brush off. Pay attention to the way you feel around this person, no matter how seductive or dazzling they might be. If there is any unease whatsoever, don’t blow it off. Be observant and be objective. Don’t go overboard manufacturing excuses for someone if they start to act in ways that don’t jive with their fabulous persona. If you have to do this, it’s not a good sign.
Of course, some of the above traits can indicate a narcissistic, borderline, or other personality disorder (although, relationships with any of these damaged souls are no picnic, either), not sociopathy, and the presence of any one of them might not indicate a true disorder at all (except for, perhaps, asshole personality disorder). But if you notice that your new best friend or soul mate is displaying more than one of these, or if you find them engaging in one of the more heinous and disturbing behaviors, at least be aware that this person might not be what they seem, proceed with caution, and protect yourself.
Above: An illustration from Faust by Irish Art Nouveau illustrator and stained glass artist, Harry Clarke. I just discovered his work recently and was blown away! I’ll be using his art from Faust to illustrate this series; but he also did a gorgeous and charming set of illustrations for Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Andersen.
Monday, August 10, 2009