Richard loves to tell this story about me: In 1990, he and I decided to live on the road for a year. My dad had recently given us his old car, a two-year-old Ford Taurus station wagon, fearing that we would drive our used Honda past the point of safety. It was so comfortable that we dubbed it “the living room on wheels,” and figured if it made a good living room, it would make a perfectly serviceable home, augmented by camping and house-sitting. We had a futon that we figured we could put in the back to sleep on. So we decided to test it to make sure it would work. We got the futon in place and then we both clambered in and lay down.

 

“Ow!” I exclaimed. “What the hell is that?!”

 

“What is what?” said Richard, mystified.

 

“That—God, I don’t know … is it a rod? Some kind of rod that runs across the back of the car?”

 

 

I sat up and pulled the futon back to see what was causing my back to arch in discomfort. Turns out it was the hinge that enabled the back seat to fold down and extend our sleeping area. It was about one millimeter in diameter.

 

“I’m going to start calling you The Princess and the Pea,” Richard told me when he saw it, with something between a grumble and a laugh. “I can’t believe you even noticed it through that futon!”

 

 

According to research, 15 – 20% of the population is highly sensitive. Aron gives a self-test at the beginning of the book to help you determine if you, or someone you love, possesses this trait. The markers include such things as being deeply affected by other people’s moods; sensitivity to caffeine; feeling overwhelmed by bright lights, loud noises, coarse fabrics, or strong smells (or tiny hinges in the backs of Ford Taurus station wagons); an aversion to violent movies or TV shows; a heightened startle reflex. In addition, highly sensitive people often have a rich and vivid dream life and/or inner life, are moved deeply by art or music, are aware of subtleties in their environment, and tend to be conscientious and highly intuitive. These are just a few of the traits. Others exist in this constellation as well.

 

Because HSPs are in the minority (although, research suggests that another 22% are moderately sensitive, sharing some traits with HSPs but not as many nor as strongly), they are often made to feel that there is something wrong with them, that their sensitivity is something to be overcome. In our culture, to quote Dr. Aron, “Movies, advertisements, the design of public spaces, all tell us we should be as tough as the Terminator, as stoic as Clint Eastwood, as outgoing as Goldie Hawn. We should be pleasantly stimulated by bright lights, noise, a gang of cheerful fellows hanging out in a bar. If we are feeling overwhelmed and sensitive, we can always take a painkiller.”

 

But according to Aron, people differ drastically in how much their nervous system is aroused in the same circumstances and these differences are inherited along with the rest of your neurological makeup. (Although, like a number of other traits, our upbringing and experiences can modify our inborn tendencies, in either direction.) HSPs, as you might have guessed, can become extremely over-stimulated by stimuli (say, a big party) that might not even register with someone who doesn’t possess these traits.

 

While it’s true that not being so sensitive carries many advantages, being sensitive carries its own set of perks, not just for the person him- or herself but to society at large as well. Many highly sensitive persons are artistic and creative, and because they are so attuned to other people’s emotional states, they can be excellent caregivers, perceptive therapists, and thoughtful friends. They may also serve the role of the canary in the coal mine.

 

Aron feels that, instead of devaluing this temperament or trying to alter it, we should instead make an effort to understand it and view it as neutral, neither worse than the majority nor better. It simply is. And when we are able to do this, those of us who are highly sensitive can navigate our way through life more comfortably and those of us who interact with HSPs can benefit from what they have to offer. It is particularly important for parents of babies and children who are highly sensitive to know how to read the signs so that they can raise as happy and well-adjusted a child as possible.

 

In her book, Aron gives a number of strategies to help HSPs cope on a daily basis in a world that is geared for the other eighty-five to forty-eight percent (if you include those who are moderately sensitive). There’s not enough space here to go into them all, but they include becoming aware of when you’re overly aroused by stimuli and then doing any number of simple things to calm yourself: removing yourself from the situation that’s causing you to go into hyper-drive, spending time in nature, calming your breathing, taking a walk. By being aware of and accepting this trait, you might be able to avoid becoming over-stimulated in the first place, by assessing and avoiding situations that trigger too much arousal.

 

 

If you suspect that this temperament might belong to you or someone you care about, I can’t recommend Aron’s work enough. Her insights and recommendations can help prevent a world of hurt and heartache, and help all of us to enjoy the gifts that this temperament brings.

 

 

Above: A recent sunrise from our office window.